Reflections of a Don

So it is now November. I can't believe that there is only one more month of school before exams. I only have one exam on the 9th of December but because I am a Don, I must stay here until the 22nd. sigh...ah well- it will be worth it I think, because I will have lots of time work on my honours project and to just relax.

So, I am just sitting at my desk writing a lab, thinking about where I am in my life and who I am. I have come to the realization that I think I liked myself better two years ago, because I knew who my friends were and though I longed to be popular, I knew it just wasn't who I was. Today, I find that I must act confident and social because of my Don position. I must also blend into the Western social mould to be effective at communicating and mixing socially with my floor and fellow Dons. This makes me feel slightly uncomfortable because now, I find that so much more of me is made known, made public. Before, I took quiet pride in my accomplishments, and I quietly reflected on my weaknesses. Today, it is almost an immediate reaction that I talk my mouth off to a fellow don or co-worker, gossiping and being shallow...have I changed? I am constantly being judged as a Don, and I am constantly required to open up to those around me in order to connect with them and in order to sympathize. This is actually far more exhausting than I thought.
Furthermore, I find that though I love my floor- I am incredibly insecure about it. I constantly fear that I will wake up one day and they will not respect me. Recently, other dons have commented on how my floor pushes my limits because I let them. Am I too soft? But if I get tougher-will they like me? Should I care? It is unfortunate that being a Don consumes so much of my life and thought. I wonder if my floor realizes this. I wonder if I am taking this job too seriously. I wonder if I am too attached. I wonder if I am too involved...

I wonder too much.