A confusing ramble...

Toronto is a daunting city. World leaders in business and medicine converge here in this pulsing, glittering place that is constantly teeming with life. Opportunities are abound and one is hardly ever bored. However I wonder if it is the city for me.

I am not going to lie. I feel small in this city. I feel insignificant and unable to make change. The competition is intimidating and this is slowly eroding my self-esteem. This may seem like an alarming thing to say, I don't deny that since coming here, I have found it incredibly difficult to maintain a positive mindset and to be proud of who I am because heaven knows, in my class alone, there stands individuals who have received doctorates from the likes of Oxford and in fields as mindboggling as neuroscience.

Now before one chides me for being down about myself, I bring to your attention that my feelings of inadequacy are in no way unique. Many people feel this lost, lonely feeling when coming here. And the fact of the matter is that it will take more than a self-help book and positive thinking workshop to make us feel any better. So what will it take? Personally, I am living day by day finding comfort in the fact that a lot of what I am feeling is due to time, or the lack of time in my case, to settle in and find friends. However, one can not deny that for some (perhaps myself included), time is not the issue. Some people just "don't like Toronto". It is not "their kind of city". But what does this mean? It may mean that the constant noise and pollution bothers them enough to subtract from their happiness here, but for how many is it because they cannot manage in such a cut-throat atmosphere?

For those who do not like Toronto for the latter reason, what should they do about it? Many leave I'm sure, figuring they will never find happiness here. Will time fix my dilemma? If it doesn't, should I leave Toronto, claiming that this city just doesn't agree with me? Would fleeing Toronto be a solution or a cowardly way of just giving up, to avoid fighting with the big fish in this big pond?

We are surrounded by messages like "Don't give up!", "Persevere!", and "Be strong!" If I leave Toronto because I am unhappy here, and settle into a smaller city, besides being happy having escaped from Toronto's dog-eat-dog world, I would not be in any way, a better person. A happier person perhaps, but this happiness would not be founded upon anything substantial. I can not say that I have found self-worth and self-confidence...because I didn't. I am still insecure, I am still down on myself, just in a different context like a smaller city, my weaknesses are not brought to light. This interests me because I wonder how many people's self-assurance and self-confidence would come tumbling down if they were removed from their safe environments. What does it mean to be truly happy with who you are? I fear that I won't ever be truly happy with who I am. In my case, it may just be my surroundings that dictate my level of confidence.

Silence of the library

I have my HUGE exam tomorrow morning. I should be studying, but I am instead procrastinating by updating this blog.

I have realized a couple things.

First, I find studying at the library a strange phenomenon. There are literally 100's of students packed into a relatively small study hall with very little personal space. All are studying with the same intent in mind: to do well on exams, and almost all are strangers to one another. It just dawned on me that if an alien looked down on this group studying session, it would think that we were the most anti-social, silent beings in the universe. It is just so counter-intuitive that in a library, there are so many people around, so many people to discover, so many potential friends to be made, and yet we don't think to be social. Studying makes social rejects of us all.

Second, I have (I think) separated my self-worth from my marks. This is big step for me and though I don't know how I will do tomorrow, I do hope that I pass and don't require remediation. Either way, I think I am happy with the level of knowledge I have been able to consume this semester. My brain feels bigger!

Perfect birthday

Birthdays are a great opportunity to really appreciate those who care about you most. In my class, four other people celebrated birthdays today and it wouldn't have surprised me if they went out partying and dancing the night away to celebrate. I, on the other hand, had a quiet, delicious dinner with Justine, followed by some great conversations with the people who mattered to me most.

First, my best friend Stacey called me, then my loving parents (who serenaded me with their rendition of "happy birthday"). I shall not mention Simon...(he forgot...that is until I reminded him!). And an old friend Warren called as well. It was just so wonderful hearing from these people. I value them all very much.

And just when you think there was too much love, I also should mention that I went out to dinner last weekend with Uncle Alex, Auntie Elaine, Grandma, Uncle Tak, Auntie Vienna, Carmen and Alishya to celebrate Justine and my birthday. There was so much food, ranging from lobster to Taro (both of which are my favorite foods!) I could not have asked for a more caring family. And better still...I could not have asked for more doggy bags!